Remembering
Something has been bothering me. I always bothers me, but I rarely talk about it. I know you guys care, and I know it hurts you as much as it hurts me. That’s why I don’t talk about it.
Some things need to be talked about, though. Some things should never be forgotten. When you forget, or put things away, they come back, and if you never forget you can keep it from ever happening again. Or at least you can try.
I’ve only really described this to three people. Dad, one of my sisters, and this person I talked to recently on myspace. She has her own problems, and is pretty open about it, but I’ll leave her name out of this because I don’t know if she wants it here.
Here is a message I wrote her. I worded it fairly clearly here. We were talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I was explaining what it did to me, and what triggers it in me.
I have my own problems. Like I said, I know my triggers, but I haven’t de-programmed them yet. It is mainly when I fall in love. I get really paranoid, and I always have this overwhelming feeling that something really terrible is going to happen. I look at them and think they’re crying all the time when they are not. I start to think bad things are happening that aren’t. And eventually I can’t take it anymore, and break it off. I usually do something weird to scare them away, and then stop talking to them. I’ve never got past the feeling of dread. Once, a long time ago, I pushed it longer and farther than I have any other time, and I started to have visual flashbacks. I’d think she had a black eye, and then it would fade in front of my eyes. I’d hear screaming and begging down the hallway. I usually knew they were just memories, but they were so strong it was like they were really there. And if they hit me fast, I’d get lost in them for a few minutes and forget they were memories.
So as long as I avoid love, I’m fine. But I wish I didn’t have to.
Love is associated with all the other bad memories for me.
I feel like some demon has forced a choice on me. It takes away my memories, as long as I avoid love. But if I don’t avoid it, I pay. I don’t want to forget, though, I just want to put the memories in their place, where they belong, and take the pain involved down a few notches.
You can’t avoid pain. It is a part of life. But you can avoid spreading it and causing it in those you love.
We should never forget some things, that is very important. And some of us can’t even if we want to.
Most people who never live it don’t understand. Some who do wish they didn’t. I found a video on youtube a while back that I think can help those who have never experienced it understand. Here it is. This is so we don’t forget.
There are many kinds of wars.
Published by CoyoteDKM on November 11th, 2007 | Filed under Personal
Leave a Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.