A Dream
I had this dream, when I was about thirteen or fourteen. I still remember it, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, so I thought I’d write it down.
In the dream, there was a girl who I was in love with. But she said she didn’t love me back. But there was a fatherly voice in the dream that spoke to me, and it gave me advice and guidance. It told me that she was possessed with some kind of demon. And then the demon came through her spoke to me in the dream, too, in a second voice that was seething with hate. It told me that it had cursed me to never love. It said that always, those I loved would either not return the love or they would fall to some terrible fate. It swore to me that this was true because it would make this happen, and it said that it would ensure that any woman I loved who loved me back would die. It promised to take them far away from me and down to hell, where they would suffer forever.
But I was proud, and I knew it was a demon. And being a demon it was not capable of telling the truth at all, so everything it said must be the opposite of the truth. So I poured my love into the girl. I thought if I just loved her completely and wholly it would drive the demon out. There was a battle, and the demon started to hurt her from inside. So I held her, and tried to heal her with my love. And the more I poured my love into her, the more it hurt her and tore her from within.
She started to curse me and tell me to let her go, and swear at me and she became like the demon itself. It completely possessed her. She told me she did not love me and to let her go and that I was scum. But I didn’t believe any of it, because I could see the demon inside making her say it, and I wanted to drive it out. It got worse and worse, and I finally started to think that it was hurting her too much for me to heal, and that I should let her go. Just when I started to, her eyes cleared and she held me tighter, and told me that she loved me.
This threw the demon into a rage, because it knew it would die if it was driven from her. She pushed it out of her and regained control. It started to fall into this pit that opened up inside her, and as it fell it swore to me that if it died, she died too. It grabbed her and pulled her out of my arms, and into the pit with it. I tried to hold on to her, but I couldn’t, and she fell away into the pit with it.
I didn’t know what to do. She had been taken to hell. Then the first voice, the one that had told me there was a demon in the first place, told me that everything would be okay. It told me that this was meant to be, and that there was more I could never understand. It said she was not really in hell with the demon, and that her going to hell was all a last ditch illusion created by the demon. It said she would come to me, alive, and all would be well. And the voice told me to never be ashamed or afraid to love when I knew it was right.
There were some other things after that which I don’t completely remember. But later in the dream I was sitting in a lunchroom or cafeteria or something like that. Someone told me that there was a person looking for me about something really important, some kind of emergency, but they were unsure who the person was and I had been unable to find the person. So I figured they would find me. As we sat there talking, she came in. I was completely surprised, because I thought someone else was going to be coming, but it was her. And she walked over and hugged me, and told me she loved me. And the dream went well from there.
There were so many other things going on in that dream behind what was happening. Like I just looked at something and knew the entire history and back story that was associated with it. The girl had some sort of issue with being faithful. The girl cheated on whoever she loved. Because of that she was ashamed, and she felt that she was not worthy of my love, but she did love me. But she was afraid to love people, and she resented those she loved for some reason. Because of that she could not help herself, and she cheated on them to hurt them, and by cheating on them she tried to drive them away.
She would not tell me that she loved me in the first place, though, before the demon took her away, because she did not want me to really start to love her and be hurt by her. It was too late, I loved her regardless of whether she tried to stop me or not. So she tried to drive me away at first by telling me she hated me, and then she had killed herself or died in some sort of accident, which hurt me a thousand, thousand times worse than I would have ever been hurt if she had told me she loved me and then cheated on me.
Once I stopped grieving, and got over it, I was thankful, because she had taught me not to hide my love, no matter what. I was hurt because she was not around any more, but I trusted the first voice when it told me she had not gone to hell, and that her going to hell was a petty illusion of deceit. I believed she was okay wherever she was. I had been afraid to love until I met her, and loving her taught me to unleash it all and not keep it in. I also knew that if you love someone, even if they hurt you by doing something like cheating on you, if you love them more than the pain they are causing you then you will stay with them, and work it out together. Pain is transient. Being together and helping each other deal with our pain and what it makes us do is love. When we care for each other and love each other more than we hurt each other, we stay together, and we grow together, and eventually we overcome the pain.
When I realized that, the pain stopped, and then after that she came back to life just like the first voice had promised me she would, and then she came to me by complete surprise.
I don’t know. It was weird. I don’t know why I can’t forget that dream. But I should write it down, and maybe I’ll remember more of the dream later and add it, and figure out what it meant. There are really messages in your dreams, from one part of you that doesn’t use words to the other, conscious, surface parts of your mind. Messages some parts of you understand and are trying to communicate to the rest of your mind in a surreal language that has no words. When you can understand your dreams you know yourself better, and you have more control over what you do. And this one was important, because I still remember it decades later. It’s like a riddle that I haven’t solved.
Published by CoyoteDKM on June 20th, 2006 | Filed under Personal
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